....has been good. But I've been suffering what, 100 years ago would have been labeled "melancholia"...nothing so horrible has happened but I am just blue. I had a bad November, really in a deep funk, but I lay that to not sleeping through the night for 11 months. The Friday before Christmas, Elisabeth slept through the night...and has every night since. I amend that. She tried to wake up, but instead of giving her a bottle, I just re-covered her, and she went back to sleep...I'd been "enabling" her to wake up by giving her bottles on "mommy auto-pilot"!! Yikes, if I'd figured that out in August, would my Autumn have been different? Who knows. Anyway, I'm funked out. Tired of being in one, tired of my messy house, tired of ...being overweight and not doing anything about it. I guess that's the major issue, isn't it? I'm fat, and I hate it, and I keep giving up, and I don't give up when it's for someone else, just me. I get tired of "dieting" or don't have time to make lunch or dinner and it's takeout, or hell, I might just be lazy. I admit it, I LOVE food. But when I can mow through an entire bag of Lay's Potato chips all by my lonesome, it's time for a time out for momma.
So....tomorrow I'm off to weightwatchers. Yes, again. but it worked for me many moons ago, when I was just a fey youngling. Kept my weight off for 8 years, and then adopted our first kiddo, and he has/had issues that kept me eating for comfort for the past 20 years. Oh, it's so hard living with someone with Aspergers (high functioning autism)...looking back I wonder how I ever did it, sometimes. He's such a hard case even now, and likely won't ever live without us, as he forgets to eat, or bathe or leave his room if we' re not diligent. But I digress...tomorrow I will go stand on that scale and find out that I weigh nearly 200 pounds. Ugh! I'm only 5'1" so when I wear my blue sweatpants and sweatshirt, I look like that girl on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. You know, the Blueberry girl? ya, me.
I am not comfortable in my skin, I have no energy. No, that's not true. I do have energy but I run through it quickly. I homeschool my 11 yo, and kinda school the 3 yo, and care for the fully walking 12 month old, and nag the 22 yo...laundry for 6 people (including the baby diapers), meals, and a big old house to maintain. I have gleefully traded my job of 25 years for a full time job here at h ome, and most of the time don't regret it. There are days when I just want to fall into a vat of ice cream and die there, but for the most part, it's great to be home and puttering...oh yeah, right, puttering! I'm very directed with the tasks I do, but phew, by days end I'm so weary.
I think I'm also battling the age demon. Did I mention that I'm heading for my 49th birthday in a few weeks. Three or 4 weeks I guess. Egads!! that means I'm almost 50!!! FIFTY??!! What the? how? Inside, I'm a tired 18 year old. Maybe 25 year old. I forget for vast periods of time that I'm 48. I'm one of those people...so unhip and uncool. I don't have a cell phone, and it took me 3 days to figure out how to wire the two hd tv's we got last summer. I do have a cordless phone and a computer, however!
Well, it's time for me to quit my bellyaching, suck it up, and get on with my life, and stop dwelling in Funk town, where the skies are perpetually grey and it smells like old fart. Yeah, I'm outta there.
Gotta go...it's time for my nap....
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